The Loves of My Life

<3 My Amazing Boyfriend <3

Butterflies!

He stopped by!
One word. Breathtaking!
He's going to pick me up tonight.
CAN'T WAIT!
Ah, I'm speechless!

39th and Butterflies

You were in my dream before I even knew that there was a you and me. Now I can't wait to see your smile, when I wake up each day it makes it worth while with the kinda love you plant inside. Specially with a heart so empty as mine. All your soft tenderness is the one thing that I don't wanna miss.

I went on a date last night. With a guy I met on 39th.
His name is Chris. He's 20. He loves cars. And drifting. He's cute. Smart. Passionate. Courteous. He's a gentleman. Walks me to my door at the end of the night.
I really like this guy. He's stopping by in a little bit to say hi. And I'm so excited. But nervous too.
He gives me butterflies and I can't stop smiling.
We went to the lake last night and watched the sun go down. We sat at the edge of the lake and we cuddled and kissed under the blanket. I giggled a lot. He thinks it's cute. And I love that.
He holds my hand even though his car is standard. He doesn't let go, he shifts with his other hand. It's adorable.
I had an amazing time, and I can't wait for the second date..
He's on his way, I have to find my minty lip gloss!
I'll update later!

Gotta' let the truth be told...

For a second I wish the tide would swallow every inch of this city, like a thousand miles of fire.

I know a lot of people that I wish I could help. It’s the worst feeling in the world knowing that someone is hurting on the inside and you cant do anything about it. How can you convince someone that they are worth something, that they deserve to be here, that they have a purpose in life? For example, my friend is possibly the sweetest guy ever. I mean he’s incredibly smart and he has such passion for his hobbies. A lot of things haven’t gone as planned for him but he’s working on it. I know he’s not happy and I really feel like there’s nothing that I can do for him especially since he past drug problems. How can I show him that there is more to life than meth? How can I tell him that there are so many things in his life that are good? He needs to stay around positive people. I just sometimes feel like being there for him and being his friend isn’t enough.

I'm back in Oklahoma. Whoops, typo "Oklahomo"
I've been in Houston for a couple of months. I like it there. It wasn't what I expected. I guess since last summer was so awesome.
I never really liked it here in Oklahoma, but I have my family here. But I have family it two different states. It's really hard to choose between two states and two families.
I think a big reason why I was so disappointed about the trip was because I was hoping to talk to Kevin. I still love him, and that's why it sucked so bad when I didn't even get to talk to him.
I wish that I could get over him, but I just can't. I'm stupid.
Maybe it really wasn't meant to happen..
I'm fucked up, and I know it.
There has to be something wrong with me.
I wish I could figure out what it is that I desperately need to be happy.

Things That I Love

Change everything you are
and everything you were
your number has been called

Fights and battles have begun
revenge will surely come
your hard times are ahead

Best you've got to be the best
you've got to change the world
and use this chance to be heard
your time is now

.. Maybe just for a while..

so things have been a little different lately..
i recently just got back from Houston, i spent about almost 2 months there. it really wasn't what i expected it to be.. i guess i just just so excited because i expected it to be just like last summer. that was the most -hands down- best summer of my life. i honestly miss the way things used to be.
my feelings towards things have changed a lot. i wish that i could get that back.

-porque no te marchas-

i'm trying to get a few things back in order. i don't know why but i really love spanish music, it makes me happy. it's quite possible that it reminds me of things that i wish i never had to let go. i believe that things "happen for a reason" but sometimes i wish that i didn't. mostly because i don't know if that should stop me from pursuing things that i desperately want. and especially if what you want, that didn't "happen" doesn't work.. what now? it wasn't "meant to happen?" i sometimes have a hard time believing that. but i try to stick to it. a lot of really good things have happened because of bad things that have happened. and even though they sucked at first, i'm very grateful for that.
... i know that i'm not perfect. no one is. but i do like the way i am. and if you don't like me then fuck you. =]
but there are some things that i wish that i could fix about myself.. i don't have a bad temper or anything, i just sometimes get irritated easily. and that makes me feel bad.. i don't mean to.
.things i like.
blueberry muffins
iced coffee
getting high
duelo and aventura
chicken nuggets
stickers
hot sauce
holding hands
piano
painting
rain

I tried my best to keep my distance from your dress
but call-response overturns convictions every time.
My memory cannot recall: a wave of alcohol
we shared a cigarette and shave the hours off.

hands against the wall motherfucker!

ABC-Z

A - Age: 19 years young
B - Bed size: Full.
C - Chore you hate: Dishes!
D - Dog's name: Potassium! AKA Tassie.
E - Essential start your day item: Glass of water and a cigarette.
F - Favorite color(s): Purple.
G - Gold or Silver: Silver.
H - Height: 4' 9"
I - Instruments you play: Nada.
J - Job title: Doing jack shit at the moment.
K - Kid(s): None. I hate kids.
L - Living arrangements: You know, you know.
M - Mom's name: April.
N - Nicknames: D Bibbles, DB, Bib, D Berry, Lil Deezy. Hahaha, oh Stillwater fun.
O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: A lot of times, But never for me.
P - Pet Peeve: Speed bumps, papercuts, condensation, loud chewing, inkless pens, the radio.
Q - Quote from a movie: I did it when I was a freshman, and you'll do it when you're seniors. Now fry like bacon you little freshman piggies. FRY! *Dazed and Confused.
R - Relationship? Smashinship fuck ships. Ha. None.
S - Siblings: Cori,
T - Time you wake up: When I gotsta'.
U - Underwear: They are black.
V - Vegetable you dislike: Mushrooms, olives, onions (is that a vegetable?)
W - Workout style: Walking around aimlessly?
X - X-rays you've had: None.
Y - Yesterday's best moment: Basketball and pizza dance fun.
Z - Zoo favorite: The whole damn thing!

My Family

So.. This is my family.

From The Passenger Seat

"sex on fire" kings of leon

sometimes, i wonder why i feel the need to be with people all the time. am i that insecure? that i need constand reminding that i have friends or something? i always try to stay out of my house. but everynight when i come stumbling up to the back door looking for my keys and trying to hold my cigarette.. i think to myself. is this really the way that i want to live? getting drunk and high all the time. i know that people say that getting wasted and high just shows how insecure and ignorant a person is. but i dont see it that way. even when i had a lot going for me i still partied. i dont do any too crazy drugs like meth or heroine, but i mean like.. i think its horrible that i do this shit. but i like it. i like getting way to drunk, i like getting high and doing nothing. i like drinking, to where i can finish a whole pack of cigarettes in like 30 minutes, where i dont remember what i was doing, how i loose everything. i know im being stupid. but hell im 19. i dont want to live a boring and traditional life. i like it better when things are backwards and mixed up. but deep in my mind i wish i had all my shit figured out. but i guess i cant do anything about that. until i just realize what im doing is stupid. but im naive. and i admit it.

good luck exploring the infinite abyss.
whats inside my purse?
who made up the saying "its a life or death situation?" .. just wondering.

i cant ever seem to get over him. i think about him constantly. i want him back. i want him back so bad. he has been the only boy that made me feel that way. the only boy that could make me cry. in a good in bad way. the only boy that i cared about like that. you know that feeling? i want that feeling back. i want kevin.

slipknot, korn, all that remains, dirtfedd, violence to vegas, the used.
may 8th concert @ the zoo amphitheatre.

so.. whats in my purse? the million dollar question. or just a dollar question.. whatever is adequate..
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
a volcom bag with every color eyeshadow possible in it
an almost empty pack of djarum black clove cigarettes
a papermate pen
2 packs of camel menthol wides
an eyelash curler
a tin of rose salve
kohl eyeliner in jet black
a tube of burts bees lip shimmer in champagne
a san disk memory card
sunglasses
1 pack of marlboro mediums
1 white bic lighter
1 tube of colossal maybelline mascara
keys
makeup brushes
a speed racer bag with jewlery in it
a tube of mentha lip balm chapstick in peppermint
earrings
metropolitian sticky tabs
1 pink floyd lighter
a blue peace zippo
coconut perfume
2 tubes of mentha lip shine in peppermint and spearmint
redken outshine 01
headphones
a purple ed hardy lighter
my wallet
a grape swisher sweet
a box of prismacolors
a notebook
the book sex, drugs and cocoa puffs

TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SHOOTING STARS AND SATELLITES.

i'm nothing without you

you found me.
all alone smoking my last cigarette.
where were you when everything was falling apart?

just a few pictures that i took.

you will be a hot dancer

I’m so tired of people being co concerned with what other people think.
I just don’t give a fuck.
I do what I want.
I wear what I want.
I listen to what I want.
I smoke what I want.
I drink what I want.
I say what I want.
I read what I want.
I hang out with whoever I want.
I go where ever I want.
…It’s simple. Stop caring about things that you can’t control.
Everyone is going to have an opinion about you. Why should you worry about everyone’s opinion? As long as you’re happy who gives a shit about what some guy or girl thinks about you?
Next story.
Iiiiiiiiii quit my job.
My supervisor just pissed me off again. Like everyday he does. I’m a very nice girl. I’m nice to everyone; I try and help everyone out. But I’m tired of working for/with people who show no gratitude. Why should I try and help others out when they are rude to me anyways? So, I decided a while back just to stick to myself. I don’t talk unless being spoken to. But my supervisor is a complete dumbass and confuses keeping to myself with having a poor attitude. So on Thursday he just started talking to me while I’m doing my job. Crying about retirement and how much he dislikes his boss and saying “I don’t mean to be like this but I have to listen to my boss. I’m not this kind of guy” I told him to bring me the papers for my 2 weeks. And then by time he did I changed my mind and quit right then and walked out. Then I was mad cause I’m thinking “hell yeah I don’t have to go back” then I was like shit. I forgot to clock out.
Ha, I’m retarded.
But anyways.

A few things I’ve been listening to/watching.
Movies
Dedication
How to Deal
High Tension
Hard Candy
Requiem for a Dream
The Uninvited

Music
The album “You can play theses songs with chords” by Death Cab for Cutie
EVERY CD from the years 1995 to 2007 of Incubus
The album “Frankenstein girls will seem strangely hot” by Mindless Self Indulgence.
“Am I not yours?” by Cursive
Blue Foundation
The Black Ghosts
“Headlines” by Neon Blonde
“Peacock skeleton with crooked feathers” by The Blood Brothers
“Love rhymes with hideous car wreck” by The Blood Brothers
Zero 7
The Shins

I am bottled fizzy water and you are shaking me up. You are the fingernail running down the chalkboard I left in the 3rd grade.
- We stopped for some alcohol
and you stayed in the car
The bars had gotten out
that line was so long
and I saw you over on the pay phone well
so I was thinking who do you ever call at one a.m.?
I wondered who that was
Jealousy Jealousy
am I not yours?

What do your friends call you?
Dana pants, D 3po, Eh D, Dino schnookums, Dana pot pie, Danacaust, D 2 1 blastoff, Danaberry, Little D, mini hot pockets, D pockets, Little pockets, Danasauresrex, Little bit, Top Notch Hoe D, Squishy, Dixo Bunny.
-a bunch of weird shit.

I have a lot on my mind. I really don’t know what to do. He’s never been mad at me before. This didn’t start happening until we dated.
But I'm not going to say it was a mistake.
Guitar solos are amazing.
Weird how they make you think..
Maybe that’s just me…

so contagious and unexpected

So a lot of weird things have been going down…
List
Fallout with Anthony.
Benjammen thinks I have a problem.
Paul wants me back.
Brett wants me back.
I’m thinking about quitting Epworth, it’s not even worth it.

I don’t know if I should get back together with either one of them…
Or a better way to rephrase that is if I do… which one? And why?
I mean I love Brett dearly. He’s been my best friend since 10th grade. And we dated for a long time. And Paul is someone that I can actually see myself being with for… let’s say a long time.

I have decided that lemonade and cranberry juice mixed together is delicious.

But anyways… Wow its hard to explain. We were both friends with this girl. And we all 3 hung out together and somehow she turned us against each other. She made up lies of both of us and told each of us and she would text both of us pretending to be one of us and would say horrid things. That girl ruined everything. It was just a damn game to her. She messed it all up and me and Brett were both so mad that we didn’t talk to each other and by time we figured out what had happened and what she did… it was too late. I lost my best friend and my boyfriend.
If you guys haven’t figured out by now I have a lot of best friends and they are all guys. I can relate to them better.
Girls are needy, messy, rude, bitchy, shallow and annoying.
Guys are just real chill. That’s how I am.
Id rather hang out with the guys and drink beer and eat pizza and play video games than hang out with a chick and get manicures and talk about other girls.
It’s messy. And when I say messy I don’t mean like dirty and unsanitary I mean like backstabbing and unnecessary. But everything had just happened so quickly. I bet she’s happy that it ended the way it did. And she would. –stupid ass whore-
She used to show up at my work and try to fight me. And I never would go outside. 1. I was at work, and you really can’t just leave your tables unattended. 2. I didn’t give a shit enough about her to fight her. 3. I wasn’t going to stoop to her level. 4. it was pointless and it wouldn’t fix a damn thing. 5. I would have beat that ass. No wonder someone slashed her tires junior year in the school parking lot. She started shit with everyone. So conceited. So immature.
She said it was because I was scared. But she can think what she wants… the poor girl had no balance anyways. The only thing she was good at was shit talking people.

**These feelings won’t go away. They’ve been knocking me sideways. I keep thinking that in a moment time will take them away. But these feelings wont go away.**

But after all of that me and Brett lost touch. It was the saddest thing to ever happen. I mean I know I always talk about my friends and how they were so awesome and how everything was so unexplainable. And the reason why is because when I’m friends with someone I put my all into that friendship. I don’t slack off. I make it as memorable as possible.
And the same goes for when I date someone. When I find someone that I really like. I fall for him. And I fall hard. I just don’t think you should hold back on the feelings that you have for someone. If I think it, I say it. If I feel it I let them know.
You never know when the last time you’ll see someone. Anything’s possible. I don’t let things go. I’m just all about feelings. I’m full of them. lol. I just don’t want to look back on life and be like I should have said that, I should have done that.
I don’t want to have any regrets. Even though I think that everything happens for a reason. I’ve had good things happen because of bad things that I’ve happened to me.
Nobody said that life would be easy but they promised that it would be worth it. I’m pretty optimistic when it comes to life, love, success and friends. But don’t get me wrong. I do have my days. I do have those days when I wake up and think “what the fuck am I doing with my life” “what purpose am I serving?”
I have my days where I just can’t get out of bed and face the life that is inevitably going to catch up with me. You can’t run away forever.
But anyways! I just got completely sidetracked. Can you tell? I can’t help it. Once I start writing I can’t stop.
But Brett has been calling me everyday now. He wants to be friends again. Go slow and just let it take its natural course. He loves me.
I can’t believe after all of these years he still does.
People tell me I’m stupid to think about getting back together with an ex.
But to me its like- we all make mistakes. And if you think something is worth it then go for it. What’s the worst that could happen? I mean yeah, you could get your heart broken. But I’d rather that happen then think back and be like what if? Everyone deserves a second chance. And who’s to say that it’s not my fault either?

**and we smoke that kush and we ball like swoosh**

I’m being pulled in so many directions.
It’s hard to decide which way I should go.
Or if I should make my own path and go my own way and see what happens.
But I’m scared of the unknown.
I don’t want to face it all alone.
But maybe that’s what I need. To go it alone.
I have to do it someday I suppose.

blue eyes/yellow submarine

I hate the sound of rattling empty cans.
I hate how infomercials can be so captivating.
- I end up watching them and convince myself that the piece of shit salad spinner is something that I just can’t live without.
I hate how everyone is right about everything except me.
I hate that I just said that, because I don’t believe it.
I hate hazelnut flavored coffee…
It’s disgusting.
…I hope this follows through…
I hate that I don’t do my art anymore.
I really just don’t think that I can afford it anymore. I mean… fuck.
Canvas, paint, brushes, film, batteries, photo paper, developing fees, darkroom stuff…
Ugh.
I have my whole mind set on this perfect picture.
I can see it, but I just can’t manage to follow through…
I’m too stuck in the past.
Man, I’m so pissed my dog just ate my whole pack of cigarettes. FUCK.
Seriously? What the fuck?!
Ugh.
Anyways… I talked to one of my friends that helped me figure out a few things that I have been panicking about… so hopefully that will help…
It’s freaking 3:10 am in the morning and I have to get up at 7 am for work. I just think that I’m not going to go to sleep. Because I wont want to get up in the morning.
I really love my job but I hate it as well…
It’s a love hate relationship.
I love the residents but I can’t stand my co-workers.
They’re too negative and bitchy.
I’m going to re-enroll in school. High school was a bitch and college will hopefully be better.
I don’t want to type anymore.

little big planet

Okay, So and update on the pictures below..
It's a new game that I have been playing with Benjammen.
It's called Little Big Planet.
And these are pictures of our characters. I'm the girly character.
they are freaking adorable!

little BIG planet

OH MY GOSH. MY NEW FAVORITEST GAME. =]