you know you know...

a tree that i took a picture of
on my smoke break at work

my new hello kitty watch!

this is my bestfriend anthony.

if it makes you happy then why the hell are you so sad?
-good song.
Reminds me of this girl…
Katrina Phillips AKA Top Notch Hoe KP, Trina or as I called her… KP.
She was possibly the most unpredictable and remarkable girl I have ever met in my life.
And I miss her very much.
We used to work and live together and everyday after work we would get in the car, sit for a minute and decide whether or not one of us had a bad day. And if either one of our answers was yes…
We would find a certain CD, certain song. Push pause, light a cigarette and then hit play with all the windows down and heater on full blast.
And when the song started we would yell to the lyrics. And we usually had a candle in the cup holder lit.
It always made us feel so much better.
It was unimaginable.
The way we could make each other feel better.
Like how I am one of the very few people that can make Ashlee smile and even laugh when she is in the worst of moods. Even if she is crying.
I love her so much, nobody even understands.
My sister Cori gave me a watch and it is pretty rad. I love it sooooo much. It is the coolest watch in the world. It’s hello kitty.

***when I get all worked up with these feelings, and I don’t even know exactly how it is, that we could be so mad that we consider not to exist.***

-one headlight by the wallflowers [good song]
-I am colour blind, coffee black and egg white. Pull me out from inside. I am ready I am ready I am ready I am…
Taffy stuck and tongue tied. Stutter shook and uptight.
No one gets to come in.-
I want to never be ashamed of who I am. There’s no reason to.
To ALWAYS keep other people secrets. Pinky promise.

Time passes, even when it seems impossible, even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise, it passes unevenly in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me.

I’m in the object of your ridicule.
-I’m not the kind of girl you take home.-
-Because we’ll pretend that it meant so much more.-
So do what you love and fuck the rest.
Do you know what its like to watch the one you love, love someone else?
-what sex the person you happen to love is irrelevant. Since the premise of god ‘made’ people, genetic quirks must also be made by god.
Personal freedom.-
Smile for the camera sweetheart I really want to immortalize the moment.

I know this might be random..
But this part is about Anthony. Mi amor. I love him.
I mean we hung out the other day… and seriously it was amazing. Breathtaking. Exhilarating. Fun. Memorable.
I mean we talked about some serious kind of things. I could tell he was down about something. So I made him sit with me and talk.
I just love how we are so comfortable with each other. I mean we can talk about anything, and that makes me so happy.
When me and him dated when I was younger. I thought it was so cool. I mean I like him so much and I really don’t know what happened between us.. I wish we would have never drifted apart for that year.
This boy… I wish I could find the words to describe how important he is to me. I mean, he took me home last night and we sat on my porch outside for a while and I let him read some of this blog. I’ve never let anybody really read this. None of my friends know I have this except now Benjammen and Anthony.
But it started to get cold so we went and sat in the car.
I sat in his lap facing him and we just talked.
I don’t know why I sat there but it’s just comfortable with him.
It was super amazing.
Me and him have been through so much shit but it’s like we love each other.
I honestly wish that I could describe what’s between us but there are no words to describe us. It would do it justice.
I know a lot of people dislike him. But people always have their damn opinion and I don’t care.
Because I know him better than anyone. I dislike when people judge.
He is a sweetheart. He’s amazing and I don’t think he has any idea.
I know he struggles with a few things but I know that he can do anything he puts his mind to. I have no doubts in him. I know he can do anything. He just needs to straighten up and realize what’s really important to him. I wish I could describe how he makes me feel…
We kissed. He made me a bracelet that says
“ant luvs you” I wear it everyday. Even though my boss tells me everyday I’m not allowed to wear jewelry…
He is just that one person that I can and will never forget.
I love him. He loves me.
It’s a phenomenal feeling.
… but I could go on forever about him…

Today when I was at break at work Cherelle, Tiffany and I went to the very back to smoke. And the weather was amazing outside. it was very chill just talking, laughing and smoking. And just playing music. But my tables today were irritating. I had one lady stop me after dinner and she told me this
“Sweetheart, if any of the residents ever say rude comments to you, just know they are probably saying them out of jealousy. So pay them no mind and keep on with your day. You are an amazing waitress. And you’re very kind. Don’t forget that”
It was very sweet. It made my day. =]
I barely hit 72 hours so I’m going to go in on the day that I’m off and get over 80. ha-ha. Shhh…
i no creo que nadie se siente el camino que hago sobre usted ahora.

My Life Soundtrack

Soundtrack to your life Today at 9:19pm 1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc) 2. Put it on shuffle 3. Press play 4. For the first question, type the song that's playing 5. When you go to a new question, press the next button TWICE 6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool... just type it in man!

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE

1. Opening Credits:Mad World by Gary Jules.
2. Waking Up:Strange and Beautiful by Aqualung.
3. First Day at School:Knockin’ Pictures Off the Wall by Yungstar.
4. Falling in Love:Hey It’s Your Funeral Mama by Alexisonfire.
5. Losing Virginity:So Here We Are by Bloc Party.
6. Fight Song:Pressure Suit by Aqualung.
7. Breaking Up:Lost by Gorilla Zoe.
8. Prom:Lipstick Tourniquets by Vendetta Red.
9. Life:Never Knew by The Rocket Summer.
10. Mental Breakdown:Obscecion by Aventura.
11. Driving:Stars and Boulevards by Augustana.
12. Flashback:Colour Blind by Counting Crows.
13. Getting Back Together:Hurricane Waters by Citizen Cope.
14. Wedding:If It Makes You Happy by Sheryl Crow.
15. Birth of Child:Movie Stars and Supermodels by The Rocket Summer.
16. Final Battle:Three Seed by Silversun Pickups.
17. Death Scene:Little Girls Pointing and Laughing by Alexisonfire.
18. Funeral Song:Polaroid’s of Polar Bears by Alexisonfire.
19. End Credits:Hand Clap by Hurricane Chris.

Water for 10 dollars or more? We'll shove it down your throat for free.

I love how a certain song can make you think about something. Like everything can just click.
I don’t like light... like inside.
I prefer night time.
God Paul Walker is fucking hot.
I will never forget that the song “Vultures” by John Mayer was playing on Valentine’s Day when Benjammen took me out. It was the sweetest thing ever.
I hate condensation on the outside of a cup. It freaks me out. Like the liquid part is supposed to be inside the cup, not on the outside…
I’ve been talking to Anthony lately... I really do miss him.
But not like that…
But in the way that he is my best friend and how he gets what I mean. I can say anything to him and he laughs. He thinks I’m cute.
And it’s the greatest feeling in the world.

You know what I love doing? Sitting in a crowded room, lobby, cafeteria or class and have your headphones in playing music.
When you listen to a certain song and kind of watch the people that are around you it’s like a whole new feeling, it’s like super cool.
Almost like you could maybe understand how they live their lives.
How one song could fit someone, but not another person?
I like how you can watch people but not to the point where it’s creepy.
I want to watch people, see how they dress. You can really tell a lot from a person by appearance. Like I wonder what he does when he’s not at work or school? Is he less mature?
It’s weird to watch a couple. Like to find out if they’re dating, or what they see in each other.
I just think it would be really cool if I could observe human nature without being noticed…
I want to know why people do the things they do. Why they act the way they do. For show? Or because that is just the way that they are.
How can you tell if someone is really happy?
Or would you be able to tell if someone was completely miserable?
How can you tell if someone is fake? In some cases it’s completely obvious. Sometimes I like watching people that are way too confident.
Like a crash and burn.
Don’t get me wrong it’s good to have confidence but too much?
I’ve always been the type of person who hates to sit or be alone. Unless I have something productive to do. I mean like right now I’m by myself sitting at a table in the lobby of the College of OU Pharmacy… with my laptop, notebook and music. And that is fine with me because I’m busy and I’m not worried what is going on except for which letter my fingers are going to type next, what word or sentence is going to come into my mind next for me to write.
I want to understand the human mind. I want to learn so much.
Well informed.
And Spanish music is beautiful. Que Lio.

Que problema caballeroen el que me encuentro yo,decía Ramón Puntillacuando su mamá llamó.Tengo un pollo sabrositocon el que me quiero casarme,pero acaban de informarmeque no, que no me puedo casarporque es novia de mi amigoy eso sí da que pensar.

I really envy the way musicians can be able to subject their feeling to the public. I love how they could word something into such beautiful songs. To kind of make it to where you kind of have and idea as to what they are talking about. But not really…
How they can make something so simple, so beautiful.
They are letting people in on all of their life secrets, things that they might not want people to know. But they way that they can emphasize certain things to really make you understand how they were feeling at the exact moment that they wrote it.
I love alexisonfire.
Sometimes I get too hyped up that I can’t concentrate on writing.
I like that. But I also hate it.
But my most favorite thing about writing is that you can feel like you have nothing to talk about, and then you hit one subject and it just all comes to you at once. Like right now I just typed all of this in 10 minutes because my mind is stuck on one thing and I was to get it on print.
I was there was something that could record things in my mind.
Every detail. Because that would be amazing.
But maybe some things aren’t meant for humans to understand, maybe we should only understand the things that we can control.
I sometimes wonder what are purpose is here. Are we meant for something else? Is this really why we were put here? Just to live a life? Or is there a bigger picture that we are all missing.
I bet it’s the most obvious things too.
Something that has crossed all of our minds but we just never put it together.
I would like to know.
When you look at someone and they are not speaking.. and the just have a black stare on their face… I want to know what is going through their mind. What they thing about. How they really feel about the person they are having coffee or lunch with.
How do people bond with certain people but not others?
I love people who are well informed.
people who know what they are fighting for.
I’m not going to explain that last sentence that is for me to know.
There are certain things that you can believe but to an extent you can just fight for one cause.
There are so many causes.
I mean for example. To be for peace. But to carry a gun because you live in an unsafe neighborhood.
Is that taking back on everything that you believe?
Or that you can believe in more that one thing at once?
Even if they are opposite of eachother.
Like the quote bombing for peace is like fucking for virginity…
It makes sense.
But there are a lot of things that need to be changed in the world.
Maybe we all take it for granted...

i hate paul. i hate that i trusted him.

Ddddddddddddaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmmmmmmnnnnnnnnnnnnn…
I am at work. On my break and I feel like complete shit... for real.
I have my little laptop and I’m listening to Bun B.
I had to wait on the table with all of the Epworth bosses at it. And I was kind of nervous. Only because it was 5 people above me with the capability of firing me.
But afterwards my boss congratulated me and said that I got good comments from everyone. They said that I was the best server that they had even though I just started a week ago.
Ha, sweet.
-money on my mind. get money. fuck bitches-
*conversation goes*
He wanted someone else.
I need a day to think about this.
I don’t know if I want to be with you.
I CALL FUCKING BULLSHIT.
YOU WERE SEEING SOMEONE ELSE YOU BASTARD.
And I believed you when you said you would never leave me.
I trusted you and you cheated on me.

I don’t want to talk about this anymore.

I want I want I want I want I want I want…
To be happy.
I don’t want to be alone.
Tomorrow is Monday.
Big reminder of how much I suck.
I’ve noticed that all of my old posts are fun and goofy.
I’ve noticed that all of my new posts are sad and depressing.

Wow. My old best friend that I’ve known since kindergarten... just asked to be my friend on Facebook... We got in a fight sophomore year and have never talked since… that’s weird.

Anyways… I’m off tomorrow..
I drank a strawberry crush soda out of one of those glass bottles. I’m going to keep the bottle and put flowers in it.
I made Paul 2 really cute valentines cards.. and I never got to give them to him.. they were the coolest cards that I have ever made.
Mad World by Gary Jules
Three Seed by Silversun Pickups
I fall asleep every night with both of my arms around the teddy bear that Benjammen gave me… It’s just cute. Makes me happy.
Ha, William Stockwell is probably one of the craziest/coolest guys I have ever met. He is so insane and everywhere. Physically and mentally. I just love to listen to him talk.
I love listening to anyone talk. Except for people who are douche bags and have annoying personalities.
And damn I need to wear something on my hands at work because I forgot how hot the plates are and how they burn my fingertips. Plus old people are super slow so I have to hold a burning hot plate while they move over they’re silverware and coffee cups.
Like for real? Hurry the fuck up! Ha-ha.
I really feel like painting.
Or just watching a good movie early in the morning when its still kind of dark outside with my blanket and a cup of coffee.
I always get really bad headaches when I cry.
that just comes to mind..
Ugh. Aspirations.
And sometimes I wish that I could stop writing the way I think.
All this random bullshit
I want to open an art gallery.
I hope that Ashlee is okay.. I miss her, and I hope everything turns out okay for her…

fun-ness at work!

me dancing in the bathroom on break

balancing my ticket book on my head!

cherelle and tiffany

tiffany

cherelle smoking on break

epworth

Heart on the Sidewalk

the teddy bear benjammen gave me =]

Heart on the Sidewalk

Sooo...

Valentines Day...

Me and Paul ended up breaking up but my best friend Benjammen took me out to dinner. He even wore a tie and he bought me a cute teddy bear.

and by the way i'm in love with it.

It was very nice he is such a sweetheart.

I dont know what is up with me lately.. I haven't done much writing..

But i can't really think of anything right now so I will update later when i can think of some more..

la la la- pictures in an exhibition

So me and paul had a long conversation lastnight..
Me and him have been dating for a few months.. but basically we both decided that it would be good to end our relationship.
I mean we both really like eachother but in the long run it would kind of be a dead end..
I want to go to dallas or Houston for the art school that I applied at but he doesn’t want to go to texas.
I mean I love loud busy cities and he likes quiet country..
And even if he did go with me I mean his job requires him to go out of town a lot. He could be gone for a week or two weeks. And be out every other night.
I cant be in a a relationship with someone and not see them everyday. I just cant.
He wants to move to Washington. Or like live near mountains. I mean we just realized that it wasn’t going to work.. it sucks be we figured it would be better for both of us to separate now before we got too attached. It would just be easier and we wouldn’t be as hurt with the whole situation. I mean I don’t want to but in the long run..
And he dosent want me to change my school. He dosent want to to base my life on him. He said that school and my career is more important that him.
And I don’t want to stop him from doing anything that he wants to do.
So we are just stuck.
We can be friends… if that works. Its hard to be friends with someone you like..
Im at work on my break right now. Listening to the beatles and death cab for cutie. Ive been up since 6am and I get off work around 8pm. Its not too bad but I probably shouldn’t have been up until 2am. Hahaha. But im just lame like that.
And I have to walk out clear to the street to smoke. Grr! Its kind of far the parking lot is huge!
But whatever. Well I guess its almost time to clock back in and start dinner. My tables have been good today and I got a comment card. It was a good one. They thought that I was very nice. Ha. Oh yeah. Im excited.
But my friend benjammen is coming to work with me! Im excited because some of the people I work with are like super rude and just have overall bad attitudes. I mean who want to live like that? Always being mad? I couldn’t enjoy life! I mean be happy.
But anyways. Damn my foot is asleep because of the way I was sitting in my chair. I hate that feeling.
Numb. Painful. Awkward but tickles..
Its weird.

TORNADO!

So today at work was fun. Ha…
There was a tornado alert issued and the retirement home lost power.. So it got all hot and there was no power to cook any of the resident’s food…
So we made sandwiches..
Like 400 of them. Oh my…
I am now a licensed professional sandwich maker/saran wrapper.
Ha, it was kind of fun though.
But anyways so we got let off early today…
We had to walk the halls with pitchers of ice water and Styrofoam cups. There were tons of people.
The people I talk to the most there is the cook Matthew and a few other girls that showed me where I can smoke without getting in trouble.
Ha, I am eternally grateful to them.
Today I had a few tables of my own.
I mean I’ve worked as a waitress for 3 years and my trainer is a douche bag. He must think I’m retarded. He knows I have experience and he goes “do you think you know how to get the water spots off the silverware?”
Uhmm… yeah hot water and a towel asshole.
But today he continually told me how much he hates white people and that he likes Asians and Hispanics… but I’m almost 99.9% sure that he is white? He’s rude.
But anyways… I just kind of left him alone and did my own thing. I know what to do…
But Matthew is like super cool. We had a lot of fun. Ha.
I got to see Paul yesterday for a little bit..
I haven’t seen him in like 2 weeks before last night.
It’s pretty lame.
But ha said that we have a date on Valentines Day. I think we are going to double date with his sister and her boyfriend. They are way cool.
I’m excited I want to get something pretty to wear...
Damn. My house has no power because of all the tornadoes… One hit down the street from us and there are 8 houses gone across the street from us… damn. We are lucky..
My laptop has about 80 percent battery so we’ll see how long its lasts! Ha. I’m so bored I’m sitting in my living room and we have no power just a few candles... I was coloring earlier in the dark and then used my phone to check out the work I did. Not very good... ha-ha. Oh well. I tried. I have to go to work tomorrow. Fun.
And my phone is about to die... shit... OH! I have a car charger and that just saved my life so I can have an alarm to wake me up in the morning on my phone… heck yes.
I got in trouble at work for my earrings... lame!

your ex-lover is dead..

I started epworth today..
my trainer was a douche bag..
i dont need training i've done it all before..
i saw paul today..
theres a no smoking policy at my work..
i dont follow it..
but it still sucks..
ill update later..

i hate hospitals

I really hate hospitals. I mean I think what bothers me the most is all the people sobbing. I mean. When things like this happen it always kind of brings them together…
I’m still at the hospital… all of my extended family is here waiting.
.. we just got some news…
She didn’t make it. I mean of all the medicine and technology?! There is nothing they can fucking do? Nothing?
I just feel so bad. Being in a room with your whole family and to see all of them crying is a very hard thing to watch. I close my eyes but I still cant help but cry.

So I have been thinking lately. I mean how can someone so full of life and someone so happy possibly end up in the hospital? How can such bad things happen so such amazing people? Sometimes it makes me so mad. Loosing people that have so much to look forward to. I mean you really get to know someone and you have to sit there and try and be as comforting as possible. And watch as the most horrible thing happen to them. As I write this im sitting in the waiting room at Mercy Hospital. One of my aunts just got out of surgery. And it did nothing to help. She has a brain tumor and now she has even become unresponsive to light. He brain is swollen 60 percent more than normal. I just cant stand the thought of loosing someone close to me. I mean my best friends mom a while back was battling cancer. She was possibly the sweetest lady I have ever met. She took me in when I had no place to go. When my step dad had kicked me out of the house at only 16. she took care of me. She talked to me on the days when I was so sad that I couldn’t even get out of bed and face life. She was so happy. And even though she was in so much pain everyday she still managed to keep a smile and do everything possible to keep the ones she loved safe and happy. We used to go up to the hospital every night and I used to make signs for her to hang up in her room to make it look pretty. She was like my second mom. She even considered me her daughter. And we used to take walks around the hospital. She had a favorite window. It over looked the whole city. Soon after that she got better and she got to go home. Then a while after that I had moved to Houston. Then I got a call from my best friend Laura saying that her mom was back in the hospital. They didn’t think she was going to make it much longer. I was going to fly down there to see her but I couldn’t afford the 400 dollar airfare at the time. I did get to talk to her on the phone one night. She didn’t even know who I was.. I told her to keep fighting it and that I was going to come and see her soon. I told her I loved her and then next day she passed away. I was so upset that I didn’t get to see her before. But shortly after I moved back to Oklahoma and Laura took me to where she was buried. Its where she wanted to be buried. In the country. It was beautiful. So I sat in front of her grave and talked to her. People told me that was weird but I didn’t care. I had to say goodbye. I love her. And I miss her very much. But I don’t want to think about anyone else I love leaving like that. I dread the day.

i love you aunt connie

i love you grandma lora

i love you susan

i cant wait to see you again in heaven. <3

being alone

So I think it’s about time that I get over my hate of being alone. I don’t know why it is but I just hate being alone. I thrive off of other people. I just can’t stand silence... I wish that I could be able to stay home and be content with that. But I always want to be anywhere other than home.
I mean is that normal? I don’t think so…
Oh, I’ve been thinking since my camera broke and its killing me not having one… that on my next paycheck I will buy a camera? I mean seriously, it’s driving me crazy not having my camera… ugh!
But the camera that I want is expensive… but I am completely in love with it! It’s a Nikon D60 SLR with 18-55mm VR lens…
Oh my. As soon as I saw it I fell in love.
But I really should be spending my money wisely… but then again I am going to need a camera when I go to my spring break with all the guys and Ashlee… I want to be able to take some good pictures. And disposable cameras really don’t do the trick for me… the quality is low. So… but I don’t know. I want it though. Plus I still have to buy my plane ticket to meet up with the guys and then drive there... maybe if I buy my ticket in advance it will be a little bit cheaper… plus all the expenses with the hotel, food and maybe shopping a little bit… man, why cant everything be free?! Who invented this bullshit of trading green paper for fun stuff? Ha. Right now I’m listening to Spanish music. My family hates it but I love it. They get all annoyed. I can’t help it. I love Aventura and Duelo. And I also love Hector Lavoe. Marc Anthony sings his music well.
I really miss Ashlee.

my mom hates...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA...
my mom hates when i imitate the sound the oven timer makes
every time she cooks dinner. ha.

Rewind-Hit the lights!

ohhhh.. i want one..

my tiny sized laptop..

oh I hate physicals. I hate people I don’t know touching me.
But on the upside I do love sprite.
I hate when I get and important call when I am in the car with no pen or any means of remembering it. I will forget what that person said before I push the end button.. its sad.

Appropriate

Where no one knows alexisonfire
And right now I would love some sunny d… but surprise surprise we aint got shit to drink in this house. Lame.
And by the way.. I hate those stupid green and red squiggly lines that are under words that are grammatically incorrect. Im pretty sure that it annoys me.
Bitter sweet symphony the verve
So I got this new laptop.. a dell inspiron mini 9. its tiny sized. 9.1- 6.8 inches and weighs 2.7 pounds. I mean it fits in my purse. Now I love this one but I also want to buy a bigger one too…
So you know those cereal things.. the wheat square things with the white frosting stuff on one side? Yeah I thought we had some of those, and well to be honest they don’t look so appetizing.. but any who.. I found them and then I was like wtf? These ones have pink frosting because they are strawberry flavored? I don’t like milk. But I figure what the hell I will try them. And the verdict it is… *dun dun dun* they taste like pepto bismol wheat flavored squares.. what ever happened to frosted flakes yo? Ive been locked inside your heart shaped box for weeks…
Sometimes I get my q’s and g’s mixed up. Especially in text. That shit gets confusing. Cause the letter uhh g is rubbed off the key, so I gotta stare at it for a second..
Shimmer by fuel
REWIND-HIT THE LIGHTS!
So I checked my myspace today just to see whats up.. eh, im more for facebook anyways.. but I always fill out tons of those myspace quizzes and surveys, but I never post them, so its just like a gigantic waste of time.. how ever I continue to do them anyways..
Oh my gosh. I love collective soul.
And I really don’t know why but for some reason here lately.. I haven’t really heard from paul, we haven’t seen each other lately... and every time we talk on the phone he never talks.. I don’t even know what the hell he does but I always just end up getting upset with him. He doesn’t understand. I don’t know but I have decided that im done.
Wow, those are so cool! I want space bags! Although I really don’t have a lot of blankets, jackets or anything… but it would be super nifty if I could find something to put in there.. *brainstorming* how about my little sister? HAHAHAHA. Just kidding there is no air in those things. HAHA. I love my sister she is the coolest kid ever. Shes growing up too fast though. She is almost 16! I feel old! But that is what my mom says too but she is only 36.
How can normal tv skip? Its not even a dvd! Not cool.
I love lemonade. When I used to work at charlestons they had this completely bad ass pink lemonade. Oh my. It was yummy. But I seriously HATED working there. Like I would rather die. Needless to say I put my 2 weeks in after like 4 weeks. I couldn’t stand the girls that I worked with. They were fake superficial girls. They had like a little fucking club where if you weren’t on the pom team or didn’t drive a bmw.. you got totally made fun of. I had a Pontiac firebird. I would choose that car over a bmw anyday. I wanted to physically hurt them. Ugh. Next subject.
I have orientation for my new job on Monday. And I am sooo excited! And I even think my bestest friend benjammen is going to come work with me. Cause I asked him to. He is the one that trained me when we worked at touchmark. He was just like your just trying to relive the glory days! Ha.
Well, I think I want to take a shower.. because I love showers. And I got a new bottle of shampoo. And bubbles!

JADED IN ANGER

You know for the longest time I have everything planned out. I had this whole idea in my head. And now…
So much for that. I had it stuck in my head that everything I wanted was just going to be so perfect.
I spent all of my time figuring out what I wanted and what would make me happy
But what I forgot was all the fine print.
There goes the end of that dream.
And you know what?
When someone or something gives you a chance at something better... take it and do it well.
Don’t slack off because you think it won’t help you in the future. Chances are… it will.
And now my future is messed up because of the angst ridden teenager that I used to be.
Is there really anything that can help me now?
I lost myself in the process of finding out what I thought was necessary to succeed in life.
Now I don’t know what to think.
I lost everything that was important because I was too busy feeling sorry for myself.
When you hear everyday that your going to become nothing in life, that you cant succeed, that you wont make it out on your own..
It gets to you. You start to believe it. And in the end the only person you’re hurting is yourself
Don’t let anyone tell you that you don’t deserve what you want.

muffins (that has nothing to do with this i just want one) ha.

Poppy seed muffins
Blueberry muffins
Banana nut muffins
Well... any kind of muffin. Ha.
Poison Ivy (the movie) (not the plant)
What?! Friends listen to endless love in the dark!
Happy Gilmore
1979 by Smashing Pumpkins
I want to see the movie “Watchmen” hopefully they will let it play…

You know… sometimes I wish that I didn’t get so paranoid. It really bothers me a lot. Like me and Paul haven’t talked in a few days. We texted a little bit. But like after he took me home he said that he would call when he got home. And he didn’t even though I texted him a couple of times. Then I texted him in the morning to make sure that everything was okay and nothing… the texted and he said he was sick, and it was late in the afternoon. Then he said he had to go to work until 10 pm. And I thought that when he closed he got out at 9:30 and he said he would call after work. Its midnight and he hasn’t called. But around 10:45 he texted and said he was going to shower and then call me. Well now it’s midnight and he hasn’t called. I’m not mad it’s just I get irritated easily at things like that. Like when we talk in the phone and the whole time he’s talking to someone else in the room with him, or he doesn’t feel like talking and just wants me to talk. I don’t want to talk to myself, it’s no fun. I don’t know I just seem to sometimes have high standards for guys I date. But it’s been almost 3 days since we have talked. And something I always notice is that every guy I date is super sweet. And at the beginning of the relationship the guy and I are always constantly texting and talking. And like after a while not so much anymore. I mean I know he has a job but what has changed that he can’t talk as much anymore. My ex-boyfriend used to talk for hours and hours and we seriously texted so much like 24/7. It got to the point where everyone was annoyed by it. And then at some point, it stopped. Maybe I’m just paranoid because I notice things I noticed when Kevin and I were drifting apart. But Paul and I aren’t even going out yet… I don’t know. Maybe I’m just trying to find things about him I don’t like… I do like him but I am nervous about starting something. I don’t know. I feel as if I go out with him I’m stuck here in Oklahoma. Even though I know that he doesn’t want to be here either. But I want to go back to Houston. He said that he will go with me but I just don’t know how he would fit it. And I love my friends to death in Houston but I don’t know if they would accept him. He’s white. I mean that sounds horrible but things are different there. I don’t think he should have to change his life anyways. Not for me at least. I’m not that important. I just. It makes me mad. I mean me and Kevin still talk. Not a lot. But we do. He still loves me and when I brought up my new job he was like oh so I guess you’re kind of staying in Oklahoma permanently… and I don’t know I love him. But I can’t tell if the reason why I love him is because I really care for him or if I’m just stuck on him because I had to move away and I never got to find out what was going to happen with us. Maybe it’s because I still wonder what would have happened with me and Kevin if I wasn’t forced to move back to Oklahoma. I mean I know that things are never going to happen with me and him now. I mean the job I have I want to keep. I want to have it as a permanent job for a while. And I have things that I want in 2 different states. I can’t seem to pick which state I want to stay in. I mean how selfish is that? I’m hurting 2 different boys. Because I’m a self centered bastard. I don’t know I think all I need to just decide what I want to do and I need to figure it out fast. I mean I feel like maybe I am possibly leading on two guys... but at the same time I think that maybe I am just leading on one guy. Because I do know that I like one guy. So he finally called me at 12:45. But the conversation is so lame. He never talks anymore. I feel like I’m talking to myself. And that’s depressing. I think the reason why I won’t go out with him is because I know he’s too good for me. He will get fed up with me and then he’ll leave me. Then I will be stuck on wanting him. I’ll get used to him and then he will be gone and I will be left heartbroken. I really can’t handle that again. I just can’t. Maybe I am just making a big deal out of nothing. He’s not doing anything wrong. He does everything right. I think I’m just paranoid. That is my biggest problem. I over think and over analyze everything. I’m just a freak. Either I’m missing out on something that could change my life or I’m making the right choice by playing it safe. But I have a feeling that playing it safe is wrong. This is my life. If something is going to change my life I’m going to let it. Like I always say good things can happen because of bad things that happen. So if this ends badly, then I will have learned from it and I will be a stronger person from it and move on. Nothing can keep me down anymore. At least I hope not. =]

PEOPLE ARE SO RUDE!

how can people be so rude?
i mean i can't stand people who are rude and conceited. people that think they are better than everyone else. people who are superficial and fake. i don't like racist people.
how can people care more about the outside than the inside?
but question.. not liking racist people isn't racist is it? I'm thinking no because you can be male, female, white, african american, hispanic, asian.. anything to be racist. it's not just one group of people. it can be everyone. anyone.
i mean i went to highschool with kids like that. i mean edmond north. in edmond. that's about as superficial as it gets for oklahoma highschools. i mean i would meet people from different cities and they would ask where i was from. as soon as i said edmond every response i would get is "oh, your one of them. one of those superficial girls" no' i'm not. honestly, i don't even find myself attractive, but everyone sees people differently. i think everybody is pretty. i don't think that where you live should define the person that you are. i mean it is true the girls i went to highschool with didn't make it pleasant for alot of girls. i got teased but i would never take it seriously. im a very shy person unless your an asshole, then i can be a bitch. there is something im trying to spit out but im trying to figure out if by me sayting this am i one of those girls. i mean more that 75 percent of the girls i went to highschool with were either a cheerleader or on the pom, the dance team and also softball. i mean pretty much all of them had blonde hair, drove a bmw or a mercedes that their mommy and daddy bought them, they all had the same coach purse. and they all wore basically the same outfit. i mean they made girls that weren't like that feel like we weren't good enough. what makes them so god damn special that they can judge anyone whos a little bit different? that they can tease other girls? because they have money? their parents money? i mean one of my ex-boyfriends lived in a totally different city than i did. i met him in the city he lived in. my friend introduced me and before he even met me, he had decided that since i was from edmond i was one of those snobby, rich and conceited girls. and i hate that. my parents do have alot of money but they work hard for it. i don't get money from my parents. and you know what? after me and him talked for a while. this is what he said: "wow, when i was told you were coming, i expected that you were one of those girls. thats why i didn't even acknowledge you. i assumed that that's how you were. but after i got to know you.. you are one of the most real girls i've ever met. i mean you dont care about superficial stuff.." i dont know if by saying this makes me like the girls that im talking about.. but i cant stand people that are superficial. money isn't everything. and people that think it's okay to judge people before getting to know them are wrong. very wrong. because no one is better than anyone else.

the arts institute

ugh. you have to be fucking kidding with me...

i had that call today from the arts institute and they said that they can't push forward with all of the details because my asshole of a dad doesn't support me in my decision to go to this school. which is bullshit.

if he ruins this for me.. i swear me and him will be done. me and my dad have never got along and the only reason i moved back in with them is because my mom begged me to come back and i moved back for my little sister. he knows that i have no problem cutting him out of my life, i have before. i never really liked him anyways. plus he actually is my step dad. i mean i've gone more than a year without talking to him. we don't like each other. simple as that.

does it not matter that i'll be 19 in 3 months?

this is bullshit.

pIcS oF tHe wReCk rOoM

what's been going on...

I GOT THE JOB! I GOT THE JOB!
ah. i'm so excited. i applied over the internet and then i got a call a few days later. the interview went really good. i mean we spent more time talking about things that weren't related to the interview and then we'd be like oh yeah the interview. ha.
so now i have to buy a long sleeve button up white shirt, AND A TIE!
ha, i'm super excited about that, i've always wanted a job that i got to wear a tie at. lol. but i think i want to buy a super crazy colorful tie though. ha. i do have a black volcom tie too.
but yeah. and then today i have an confrence call with the arts institute of dallas. i'm excited about that.
too bad my dad is an asshole and told me he wasn't supporting me in that school and my mom is busy today..
new subject..
oh more on the wreck room...
it was really cool before we left for the club we had to wait on a few people.. and it was dark outside and we had glow sticks. so we broke the glow sticks open and splattered the glow stick stuff all over the apartment. ha, i mean ceilings, walls, floors, couch, tv, everything had spots of glowing stuff. it was really awesome to look at. we smeared it on the fan and then turned it on and so it was like a spinning glowing circle. ha.
but it was really fun at the club. afterward we went to a little get together and the 2 guys that i danced with it was like the wreck room but smaller.. if you know what i mean. ha. it was fun.
but hey.. ha
so i found out that my cousin kaila is like talking to my ex boyfriend/current bestfriend anthony. they really didn't tell me.. so that makes me rethink our closeness.. it was just weird because i found out right before we went to the wreck room.. but he came with us.. it was just really weird for me to see them together. so at first the club was lame cause i was so pissed. but whatever. it's just like my cousin and my bestfriend what the fuck?
of all the guys in the world she had to pick him?
she said if you want me to back off then i will.
i was like well it's a little too late for that now isn't it..
i dont know it's just weird. i talked to benjammen about it and he really helped me make sense of what i was feeling..
i do love anthony but like a bestfriend/brother. i've known him since i was 14. i'll be 19 in 3 months.. it's been a long time. i think the biggest reason why i was upset was i felt betrayed by both of them. i told my cousin to go for it. i cant stop her from going out with him, i'm not going to come inbetween them. but i know i deserve better for myself.
anyways.. that was just some stuff i had been thinking about..
8 1030

the wreck room

Random thoughts:
I want chocolate covered strawberries.
I want some sweet lemonade.
Horatio and his damn sunglasses. Mostly cause he is tha shit. Ha.
Mashed potatoes.
A box of crayola markers.
Socks.
I hate wearing socks when I sleep.
I don’t like m&m’s.
I do like skittles though.
This seems to be all about food…
The more he talks, the louder I will turn up the TV.
I love marathons. Of CSI.

so today i went to a gay club for the first time. called the wreck room.
it was actually pretty cool. im pretty pissed that i forgot to bring my camera. but i did take pictures with my phone but they arent very good.. anyways maybe i will upload them late. i mean they arent very good...
but one thing that i did do was give a drag queen a kiss and gave her a dollar from my mouth. ha.
im not gay or anything but it was fun dancing.
and i got almost completley butt raped by two gay guys. we were dancing and i had one behind me and one in front of me and the guy in front of me pushed me into the guy behind me who was basically humping the shit out of me. i mean we were just dancing but it was pretty intense.. well its like 4 in the morning so ima call it a night and ill add more in the morning...