paul meets the family

so. lastnight paul met my parents and my family.. we went to dinner and then we went to the riverwind casino. he played jackblack. ha. it was fun. but then my dad started being an asshole and kind of ruined it. there's my dad for you.. ew.
anyways. i got the job that i applied for. i applied at a whole bunch of places but i really only wanted to work at epworth villa. i just love old people. ha. they rock.
anyways, i start off at 8 and then from there i go up..
im super excited.
but eh. i went to the movies with paul, adam and beard to see underworld. it was actually pretty cool. ha
eh i have a headache.
uh yeah i'm not about to walk. wierdos.
so valentimes day is coming up and i dont know what i should do for paul.. i'll have to think about it.. any ideas people?

blah blah blah

some things are too painful to feel, so you just stop... we have the ability to block feelings and thats what we do most of the time.. these feelings are now coming out of me. feelings that have been there all my life, and they continue to come out.
empire by kasabian
i am beating of the lances of my own thoughts, i am fighting an invasion that is coming from my own head.
stars and boulevards by augustana
id rather die than have to see your smile
for all the people who are lost, and for all the people who want to stay lost...
in every circle of friends
theres a whole
the girl that flirts and does a little more
but whos to say
this is a social scene anyways
**if you lie you dont deserve to have friends**
wish you were here by pink floyd
p.s. i love you

corey duffel

i am so in love with this boy. corey duffel

mi mundo mi musica

damn, its already 11:05 am.
i woke up around 6 am..
did my morning routine.. coffee, toast and a cigarette..
its been snowing and stuff and the snow and ice on the ground makes my eyes hurt when i look outside because its so bright...
anyways..
i watched el cantante this morning. which by the way is a fantastic movie. i love it.
i love hector lavoe. his music is amazing. que lio and aquanile are my two favorites.. i used to listen to them on my ipod. just close my eyes. his music is perfect to dance to. salsa music. i just love it all.
i really want to write alot but im just not in a very.. i dont know.. good mood.
i dont know why though.
oh well..

cOuSiN

no ceiling by boss hogg outlawz

dEaR cOuSiN.. wHeRe'S cOuSiN?

kNoW wHaT i mEaN jElLy bEaN?

sUrE dO tEnNiS sHoE!

cHuNk tHaT tWo..

uH tHaT nIgGa aDaM..

uH nO hOmO..

mayne for real.. leaves? ftw?!

"mAyNe fOr rEaL i lOvE tHa iNfAmOuS dIrTy sOuTh"

• free stress test by professor murder
• copykat by karen kijewski (book)
• incense ww
• peppermints
• ugh. need to paint
• job applications
• arts institution of houston OR dallas
• blowin' dro
• god damn, i love houston. proud ass mexican.
• need a cigarette
• call of duty 4
• gotta make more coffee quick!
• why am i making this?
• i love lists
  

oh you know you know..

so...

i can never sleep! like ever. and it's starting to really piss me off. i mean i don't think it's normal to go 4 days without sleep.

why are girls so good at like drawing hearts everywhere? like randomly? i mean.. exhibit a: disturbia. exhibit b: any teenage girl in highschool..

i mean hey, im a girl. i love to draw hearts. i just get uber bored.. i draw tons of stuff. like everything. i should stop saying like. it's retarded.

i love scary movies.

i want something to do right now. i mean its 6:09am.. i've been up for hours. i want to draw, paint, read, color, run around in circles..

something..

i think when i get bored of a sentence i think i just do one of those ellipsis

things and hit enter..

i obviously write the way i think or talk..

my mind trails off from time to time...

the ramones.

i need to buy some more books.

and i love kissing. with tongue.

i mean and when i say that i dont mean just kissing anyone.. but the right person. hey! like paul.

i like him. i like it when he kisses me. on the forehead.

when he holds my hand. i love how everytime he walks pass me he touches me. on the shoulder, hip, back..

he always just lets me know that he is there.

i need to up my cd collection.

or make more coffee.

i just want to scream. there is ice everywhere and it's freezing.. which makes going outside to smoke incredibly uncomfortable and weird. i'm not too much for freezing and cold.

oh my goodness. is this text too tiny? why is my dog crazy and freaking out?

[i got bored at drew this. like how i was talking about girls who draw hearts] taper jean girl by kings of leon

nightmares! eek!

ha, why the fuck not.. this is funny.
so..

eek..

so i couldn't stay asleep. i kept having these horrible nightmares. i decided that i was going to try and keep falling asleep until the morning.. well around 5 am i couldn't sleep anymore.. so i made some coffee and toast then had my morning cigarette. it was good. =]
so i found out that i'm not going to see Paul until friday because he has jury duty and work. ha! but on the upside when i do get to see him we are going on a double date with his sister and her fiance. i absolutely love his sister. she is the cutest thing ever. me and her get along so good. i'm super excited. i got to meet some of his family on new years and oh my goodness. they are amazing! i had so much fun, they really accepted me. they even said i was like 10 times prettier than his last girlfriend and alot nicer.. ha. ohh yeahh! well i think this is going to be it.. it's getting light outside and i need a cigarette..

maybe i should quit..

nah.

Paulie Bear

God.. I love the titanic. It is so romantic. It doesn’t hurt that Leonardo Dicaprio is completely gorgeous. Ah.
I’ve decided that I want to meet someone that changes my life. Like jack and rose. =] hahahahahahahaha.
But wait.. I think I already have.. And his name is Paul.
You know.. Ever since Kevin I have decided that I was never going to let anyone get close to me like that.. But one night I was basically forced by Kaila to go to her friends house one night.. I was expecting a room full of weird ass kids who drink cheap beer with bad music taste and guys who in detail explain on how they got into this fight and totally kicked this guy’s ass. Of course they add their own sound effects. But instead I met Paul.. We played quarters and flirted the whole night..
I never thought it would come out to this.. I never expected to see him again. But since that night… we have talked everyday since. Its crazy.. At first I never thought that he would like me as much as he says he does now.. And I didn’t expect to like him as much as I do. Don’t get me wrong.. I do like him. Alot. I just never expected it. I keep saying expect.. Hmm…
But anyways, I don’t know.. we talk. Like really talk. We can have deep conversations with each other. He helps me to make sense of everything in my head. Sometimes he surprises me.. he can immediately tell when I’m sad, upset, mad, hungry or bored.. he can always tell when I’m lying. Every time.. he always knows it. Sometimes it weird’s me out. I do sometimes have trouble talking to him about myself.. I’ve gone through so many things that I hope no one has to go through. So sometimes I feel like I take things out on him that other people did to me. I make myself distant as to not get close to him. I want to. He says he’s different than any other guy I will ever meet.. and I mean I trust him. I do. I want to. But trust him with my heart? Let down that wall and let him through? Now that I cant seem to do. I desperately want to though. I feel comfortable with him, I can be myself. All weird and goofy. He thinks I’m cute and adorable. He tells me that I’m pretty, smart, talented, sexy.. Everything that a girl wants to hear. He even thinks my underwear are cute. Ha. He is the sweetest guy ever. I’ve spent all my time dating immature guys hoping they would grow up and love me the way I loved them. I can see myself with Paul for a long time.. Although I would never tell him that. I feel as if I were to do that.. he would.. I don’t know, stop trying. I want that perfect love story. Although It probably doesn’t exist.. but I want him to do all the right things.. flowers, dates, dancing, movies, parks. But one thing that I absolutely love about Paul is he notices all of the little things. He knows my favorite color. What cigarettes I prefer. That I’m too shy to tell him if I’m hungry or thirsty. Or when I start to get antsy because he plays game after game of call of duty.. he knows when I’m thinking of something by just the way I look, he know that if I start looking through my purse that I am nervous. He loves to cuddle and be close to me, he likes to hear my voice. He reads, he’s very intelligent, smart. And he has big beautiful eyes. He’s goofy and loves to hold my hand. I really like this guy. He’s not too much older than me, he’s only 20. he’ll turn 21 5 days after I turn 19.. I really hope that this lasts. Were not even officially going out yet, we are just dating. It’s my fault. I want to but I’m scared of getting my heart broken again. I blame every other guy that I have dated that treated me like shit for the reason why I can’t seem to accept feelings for a guy that actually cares for me. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me. I mean we get along so good. He has good taste in music, we read together, I talk shit to him and he talks it back. I never mean the stupid things I say to him, we just goof off. But even though I’m a big baby and actually get kind of sad when he makes fun of me. Ha. I know that he is just kidding. I call him Paulie Bear and he calls me Squishy. [squishy off of Finding Nemo] ha. I even made him a bracelet that says that and he wears it. And that makes me happier than he could ever imagine. And I make him goofy things and he keeps them. Ah I could go on forever about him.. but I should probably end it here. A cigarette sounds good right now.
As soon as I can find a gosh darn lighter…

boys are mean

You know... I don't mean to hurt you more... But I've had my heart broken alot. And I don't know what's wrong with me that I'm not good enough to be loved. This isn't about you. But I can't take the disappointment anymore... I think that I'll play it safe. I won't date anymore. I'll stop loving people. I won't let anyone get close to me anymore. But always think twice before walking away from someone. Say what you mean and what you're thinking. You may never get a second chance...

It's not about you. But thanks for giving me that little push to throw everything in perspective for me. Because sometimes you think you know someone and they tell you that they love you.. And then the leave you and find someone else.

Don't let anyone do that to you...

question authority!

i took this early in the morning.

"life isn't always the dream we hoped it to be"

first off: i dont like it when i get shit for what i like IM NOT YOU.

second: i know that i deprive myself of sleep and it's to the point now that i couldn't tell you what i did 2 days ago because i can't tell what day is which now, it feels like one big long day.

good thing i brought my library card, cause i am checkin you out! HAHAHAHA. that was funny..

"im sorry bruce, these boys get that syrup in them and they get all antsy in their pantsy. you just can keep them under control" ha. super troopers. fantastic.

if you could change 3 things about your personality what would it be and why?my favorite flavor of gatorade is quiet storm. i have officially decided this. =]

"this guy told me his entire life story... against my will. this guy raped my ear. this guy forcefully shoved unwanted information into my ear hole. no means no" hahahaha. i forgot who said that.

who says the world isn't a pretty great place? maybe those people need to look a little bit closer. because if you look you'll see a place that is good, a place where a smile can change everything.

i hate girls that speak in a chirping tone of fake enthusiasm.

Strange and Beautiful

"wonder if the snow will settle" by clearlake
you make me happy. you magnify my better half. you make me certain.
screw waterfalls, birds, leaves, trees, doors, houses and other lame objects.
how do you do it? make me feel like i do?
"wonderwall" by oasis
"jean taper girl" by kings of leon
NO MATTER WHERE I GO I CAN'T SEEM TO OUTRUN MY PAST...
IT DOESN'T MATTER WHERE I AM, IT'S ALWAYS THERE.
BECAUSE I AM...
SOMEONE TRYING TO FIND THEIR WAY
SOMEONE TRYING TO FIND THEIR PLACE
SOMEONE TRYING TO FIND THEIR SELF
i am me, and no matter how much i want or dont want to change... i cant. ... i cant seem to let go of the past and move on. the damage has been done.
i love ring pops, SUNSHINE OF MY LOVE.
bittersweet
vedera
aqualung
clearlake
phantom planet
regina spektor
deftones
oasis
jimi hendrix
marcy's playground
stone temple pilots
smashing pumpkins
tilly and the wall
tokyo police club
modest mouse
tegan and sara
hollywood undead
ima robot
the rocket summer
shiny toy guns
what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
eh. today has been good but weird. i applied for a job that i really want. so hopefully that goes well. =] i haven't slept in a day or 2.. i loose track... i added to my life list, and organized my writings. i really hate tv. there really isn't anything interesting at all...
cousin called! i'm talking on the phone right now with her so entry is over. i miss her. <3

Mommy's Birthday!

So January 18th was my mommy's 36th birthday [i know it was a few days back but oh well..] me and my close friend Paul made a birthday cake for her [damn, i wish i would have gotten a picture of it..] it involved purple, star sprinkles and all the words were squiggly cause it's hard to use those tubes of frosting! It said "happy birthday mom! i love you!" but I also made her a smiley face breakfast! It kinda looks creepy but hey it's the thought that counts! Right?!

Currently listening to "Heavy" by Collective Soul

my rant of the day..

it has come to my attention [once again] ...
you see it's 4:33 in the morning, and i have yet to go to sleep i just don't see the point in that..
it could possibly be the excessive amounts of coffee in my system..
but yes.. what has music come to these days?! it blows a huge cock. no joke. i mean all the half hearted whores like katy perry and that hannah montana pedophile magnet.. yes.
i mean mtv sucks. and the girl from paramore has such red hair.
i must say [you deffinately do not have to agree with me] but the 90's had such good music the best. probablly 60's-90's was the best.
to name a few of amazing bands..
eric clapton
extreme
third eye blind
everclear
garbage
oasis
the who
the doors
filter
zombies
bob dylan
everlast
collective soul
boston
dave matthews
thrice
smashing pumpkins
the wallflowers
the cure
eagle eye cherry
radiohead
the verve
the verve pipe

i dont know where this was going but i just love music..
here lately i have been playing excessive amounts of xbox live call of duty 4 and reading books. and coffee. i do miss summer. and i do believe that summer of 09' is going to be the best ever. i mean 4 weeks in mexico to get shitfaced with all my closest friends in jesse's house? yes. and also.. although i have already graduated highschool a few of my friends haven't and so for spring break.. a rented house in south padre.. ahh.. best friends, the beach and patron and the best tequila and and and corona??!
*ah at a loss for words..
thc baby tha homo crew.

pIcTuReS.. nEw aNd oLd.

blurry picture from inside limo at prom

save the rainforest!

got mah tongue pierced awhile back..


i changed to mediums.

taco bueno!

me and my mommy.

just hanging around. ha.

i dont know..

my hands. fucking around with the copy machine at work..

me and kp.

a picture i took.

getting it pierced.

another picture i took. this one with my phone. eterna.

cousin. a la ol smashlee ol trashlee!

my car is frozen! ah.

wall of wine.

got bored..

me and my wonderful peace zippo.

love [picture]

Something New In My Life

So, the other day I got a message over facebook from Marilu. We messaged back and forth for a while and then we decided to meet up and catch up. About a year ago something happened between us where she had pushed me out of her life. For a year or more. She was my bestfriend. Like my sister. My other half. I took it really hard when she left. I depended on her. She was a strong person. I told her my secrets and my problems. She was that one person who was always there for me and vice versa. But anyways we hung out the other day. She came over to my house and we just talked for a while and caught up with eachother. Then we went to walmart to grab a few things and then we went to taco bueno to grab a bite to eat.. Then we came back to my house and talked some more. She asked about what had been going on.. I told her. I think alot of what I said shocked her a bit.
*the next day..
We went to Ihop. I got coffee she got hot chocolate. **hot chocolate mixed with coffee is amazing** and after talking for awhile we met up with Benjammen and Micah. We all used to work together at Touchmark. We went to game stop so Micah could but this game he wanted. Benjammen works there so he got a discount. Ha. Then we hit up Starbucks and Marilu's fiance Justin joined us. We all just talked together and caught up. I hadn't seen Micah or Ben in about 8 months. Marilu had already told me but she had dropped the bomb in Micah and Ben about her being pregnant. So she's excited and I'm the aunt!
After that we went to my friend Breann's 19th birthday party. Had a bit of tequila said my happy birthday's and hello's smoked a cigarette and left. Word got around that there were cops around. Edmond cops WTF. Anyways, on the way home I had to make sure that she wouldn't do the same thing to me. I asked her if she was just saying hi or if she had planned to stay in my life for good' I trust her. I have to. She's so.. I can't explain it. She's my other half. I want to trust her but I just have to make sure that she doesn't do it again. I took it so bad the first time. Real bad. I can't handle that a second time. I just couldn't.
December 11-12 2008

Not mine. But I love it.

Live, live, live because you love, love, love
and love'll make you give, give, give
and give and when you break, break, break
but you just want to fix yourself
just to break again...
-Copeland

The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.

...If you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them too- even when you're in the dark. Even when you're falling.
-Tuesdays with Morrie

My choice is what I want to do.
And if I'm causing no harm, it shouldn't bother you.
Your choice is who you choose to be.
And if you're causin' no harm, then you're alright with me.
-Ben Harper