muffins (that has nothing to do with this i just want one) ha.

Poppy seed muffins
Blueberry muffins
Banana nut muffins
Well... any kind of muffin. Ha.
Poison Ivy (the movie) (not the plant)
What?! Friends listen to endless love in the dark!
Happy Gilmore
1979 by Smashing Pumpkins
I want to see the movie “Watchmen” hopefully they will let it play…

You know… sometimes I wish that I didn’t get so paranoid. It really bothers me a lot. Like me and Paul haven’t talked in a few days. We texted a little bit. But like after he took me home he said that he would call when he got home. And he didn’t even though I texted him a couple of times. Then I texted him in the morning to make sure that everything was okay and nothing… the texted and he said he was sick, and it was late in the afternoon. Then he said he had to go to work until 10 pm. And I thought that when he closed he got out at 9:30 and he said he would call after work. Its midnight and he hasn’t called. But around 10:45 he texted and said he was going to shower and then call me. Well now it’s midnight and he hasn’t called. I’m not mad it’s just I get irritated easily at things like that. Like when we talk in the phone and the whole time he’s talking to someone else in the room with him, or he doesn’t feel like talking and just wants me to talk. I don’t want to talk to myself, it’s no fun. I don’t know I just seem to sometimes have high standards for guys I date. But it’s been almost 3 days since we have talked. And something I always notice is that every guy I date is super sweet. And at the beginning of the relationship the guy and I are always constantly texting and talking. And like after a while not so much anymore. I mean I know he has a job but what has changed that he can’t talk as much anymore. My ex-boyfriend used to talk for hours and hours and we seriously texted so much like 24/7. It got to the point where everyone was annoyed by it. And then at some point, it stopped. Maybe I’m just paranoid because I notice things I noticed when Kevin and I were drifting apart. But Paul and I aren’t even going out yet… I don’t know. Maybe I’m just trying to find things about him I don’t like… I do like him but I am nervous about starting something. I don’t know. I feel as if I go out with him I’m stuck here in Oklahoma. Even though I know that he doesn’t want to be here either. But I want to go back to Houston. He said that he will go with me but I just don’t know how he would fit it. And I love my friends to death in Houston but I don’t know if they would accept him. He’s white. I mean that sounds horrible but things are different there. I don’t think he should have to change his life anyways. Not for me at least. I’m not that important. I just. It makes me mad. I mean me and Kevin still talk. Not a lot. But we do. He still loves me and when I brought up my new job he was like oh so I guess you’re kind of staying in Oklahoma permanently… and I don’t know I love him. But I can’t tell if the reason why I love him is because I really care for him or if I’m just stuck on him because I had to move away and I never got to find out what was going to happen with us. Maybe it’s because I still wonder what would have happened with me and Kevin if I wasn’t forced to move back to Oklahoma. I mean I know that things are never going to happen with me and him now. I mean the job I have I want to keep. I want to have it as a permanent job for a while. And I have things that I want in 2 different states. I can’t seem to pick which state I want to stay in. I mean how selfish is that? I’m hurting 2 different boys. Because I’m a self centered bastard. I don’t know I think all I need to just decide what I want to do and I need to figure it out fast. I mean I feel like maybe I am possibly leading on two guys... but at the same time I think that maybe I am just leading on one guy. Because I do know that I like one guy. So he finally called me at 12:45. But the conversation is so lame. He never talks anymore. I feel like I’m talking to myself. And that’s depressing. I think the reason why I won’t go out with him is because I know he’s too good for me. He will get fed up with me and then he’ll leave me. Then I will be stuck on wanting him. I’ll get used to him and then he will be gone and I will be left heartbroken. I really can’t handle that again. I just can’t. Maybe I am just making a big deal out of nothing. He’s not doing anything wrong. He does everything right. I think I’m just paranoid. That is my biggest problem. I over think and over analyze everything. I’m just a freak. Either I’m missing out on something that could change my life or I’m making the right choice by playing it safe. But I have a feeling that playing it safe is wrong. This is my life. If something is going to change my life I’m going to let it. Like I always say good things can happen because of bad things that happen. So if this ends badly, then I will have learned from it and I will be a stronger person from it and move on. Nothing can keep me down anymore. At least I hope not. =]