you know you know...

a tree that i took a picture of
on my smoke break at work

my new hello kitty watch!

this is my bestfriend anthony.

if it makes you happy then why the hell are you so sad?
-good song.
Reminds me of this girl…
Katrina Phillips AKA Top Notch Hoe KP, Trina or as I called her… KP.
She was possibly the most unpredictable and remarkable girl I have ever met in my life.
And I miss her very much.
We used to work and live together and everyday after work we would get in the car, sit for a minute and decide whether or not one of us had a bad day. And if either one of our answers was yes…
We would find a certain CD, certain song. Push pause, light a cigarette and then hit play with all the windows down and heater on full blast.
And when the song started we would yell to the lyrics. And we usually had a candle in the cup holder lit.
It always made us feel so much better.
It was unimaginable.
The way we could make each other feel better.
Like how I am one of the very few people that can make Ashlee smile and even laugh when she is in the worst of moods. Even if she is crying.
I love her so much, nobody even understands.
My sister Cori gave me a watch and it is pretty rad. I love it sooooo much. It is the coolest watch in the world. It’s hello kitty.

***when I get all worked up with these feelings, and I don’t even know exactly how it is, that we could be so mad that we consider not to exist.***

-one headlight by the wallflowers [good song]
-I am colour blind, coffee black and egg white. Pull me out from inside. I am ready I am ready I am ready I am…
Taffy stuck and tongue tied. Stutter shook and uptight.
No one gets to come in.-
I want to never be ashamed of who I am. There’s no reason to.
To ALWAYS keep other people secrets. Pinky promise.

Time passes, even when it seems impossible, even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise, it passes unevenly in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me.

I’m in the object of your ridicule.
-I’m not the kind of girl you take home.-
-Because we’ll pretend that it meant so much more.-
So do what you love and fuck the rest.
Do you know what its like to watch the one you love, love someone else?
-what sex the person you happen to love is irrelevant. Since the premise of god ‘made’ people, genetic quirks must also be made by god.
Personal freedom.-
Smile for the camera sweetheart I really want to immortalize the moment.

I know this might be random..
But this part is about Anthony. Mi amor. I love him.
I mean we hung out the other day… and seriously it was amazing. Breathtaking. Exhilarating. Fun. Memorable.
I mean we talked about some serious kind of things. I could tell he was down about something. So I made him sit with me and talk.
I just love how we are so comfortable with each other. I mean we can talk about anything, and that makes me so happy.
When me and him dated when I was younger. I thought it was so cool. I mean I like him so much and I really don’t know what happened between us.. I wish we would have never drifted apart for that year.
This boy… I wish I could find the words to describe how important he is to me. I mean, he took me home last night and we sat on my porch outside for a while and I let him read some of this blog. I’ve never let anybody really read this. None of my friends know I have this except now Benjammen and Anthony.
But it started to get cold so we went and sat in the car.
I sat in his lap facing him and we just talked.
I don’t know why I sat there but it’s just comfortable with him.
It was super amazing.
Me and him have been through so much shit but it’s like we love each other.
I honestly wish that I could describe what’s between us but there are no words to describe us. It would do it justice.
I know a lot of people dislike him. But people always have their damn opinion and I don’t care.
Because I know him better than anyone. I dislike when people judge.
He is a sweetheart. He’s amazing and I don’t think he has any idea.
I know he struggles with a few things but I know that he can do anything he puts his mind to. I have no doubts in him. I know he can do anything. He just needs to straighten up and realize what’s really important to him. I wish I could describe how he makes me feel…
We kissed. He made me a bracelet that says
“ant luvs you” I wear it everyday. Even though my boss tells me everyday I’m not allowed to wear jewelry…
He is just that one person that I can and will never forget.
I love him. He loves me.
It’s a phenomenal feeling.
… but I could go on forever about him…

Today when I was at break at work Cherelle, Tiffany and I went to the very back to smoke. And the weather was amazing outside. it was very chill just talking, laughing and smoking. And just playing music. But my tables today were irritating. I had one lady stop me after dinner and she told me this
“Sweetheart, if any of the residents ever say rude comments to you, just know they are probably saying them out of jealousy. So pay them no mind and keep on with your day. You are an amazing waitress. And you’re very kind. Don’t forget that”
It was very sweet. It made my day. =]
I barely hit 72 hours so I’m going to go in on the day that I’m off and get over 80. ha-ha. Shhh…
i no creo que nadie se siente el camino que hago sobre usted ahora.

My Life Soundtrack

Soundtrack to your life Today at 9:19pm 1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc) 2. Put it on shuffle 3. Press play 4. For the first question, type the song that's playing 5. When you go to a new question, press the next button TWICE 6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool... just type it in man!

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE

1. Opening Credits:Mad World by Gary Jules.
2. Waking Up:Strange and Beautiful by Aqualung.
3. First Day at School:Knockin’ Pictures Off the Wall by Yungstar.
4. Falling in Love:Hey It’s Your Funeral Mama by Alexisonfire.
5. Losing Virginity:So Here We Are by Bloc Party.
6. Fight Song:Pressure Suit by Aqualung.
7. Breaking Up:Lost by Gorilla Zoe.
8. Prom:Lipstick Tourniquets by Vendetta Red.
9. Life:Never Knew by The Rocket Summer.
10. Mental Breakdown:Obscecion by Aventura.
11. Driving:Stars and Boulevards by Augustana.
12. Flashback:Colour Blind by Counting Crows.
13. Getting Back Together:Hurricane Waters by Citizen Cope.
14. Wedding:If It Makes You Happy by Sheryl Crow.
15. Birth of Child:Movie Stars and Supermodels by The Rocket Summer.
16. Final Battle:Three Seed by Silversun Pickups.
17. Death Scene:Little Girls Pointing and Laughing by Alexisonfire.
18. Funeral Song:Polaroid’s of Polar Bears by Alexisonfire.
19. End Credits:Hand Clap by Hurricane Chris.

Water for 10 dollars or more? We'll shove it down your throat for free.

I love how a certain song can make you think about something. Like everything can just click.
I don’t like light... like inside.
I prefer night time.
God Paul Walker is fucking hot.
I will never forget that the song “Vultures” by John Mayer was playing on Valentine’s Day when Benjammen took me out. It was the sweetest thing ever.
I hate condensation on the outside of a cup. It freaks me out. Like the liquid part is supposed to be inside the cup, not on the outside…
I’ve been talking to Anthony lately... I really do miss him.
But not like that…
But in the way that he is my best friend and how he gets what I mean. I can say anything to him and he laughs. He thinks I’m cute.
And it’s the greatest feeling in the world.

You know what I love doing? Sitting in a crowded room, lobby, cafeteria or class and have your headphones in playing music.
When you listen to a certain song and kind of watch the people that are around you it’s like a whole new feeling, it’s like super cool.
Almost like you could maybe understand how they live their lives.
How one song could fit someone, but not another person?
I like how you can watch people but not to the point where it’s creepy.
I want to watch people, see how they dress. You can really tell a lot from a person by appearance. Like I wonder what he does when he’s not at work or school? Is he less mature?
It’s weird to watch a couple. Like to find out if they’re dating, or what they see in each other.
I just think it would be really cool if I could observe human nature without being noticed…
I want to know why people do the things they do. Why they act the way they do. For show? Or because that is just the way that they are.
How can you tell if someone is really happy?
Or would you be able to tell if someone was completely miserable?
How can you tell if someone is fake? In some cases it’s completely obvious. Sometimes I like watching people that are way too confident.
Like a crash and burn.
Don’t get me wrong it’s good to have confidence but too much?
I’ve always been the type of person who hates to sit or be alone. Unless I have something productive to do. I mean like right now I’m by myself sitting at a table in the lobby of the College of OU Pharmacy… with my laptop, notebook and music. And that is fine with me because I’m busy and I’m not worried what is going on except for which letter my fingers are going to type next, what word or sentence is going to come into my mind next for me to write.
I want to understand the human mind. I want to learn so much.
Well informed.
And Spanish music is beautiful. Que Lio.

Que problema caballeroen el que me encuentro yo,decía Ramón Puntillacuando su mamá llamó.Tengo un pollo sabrositocon el que me quiero casarme,pero acaban de informarmeque no, que no me puedo casarporque es novia de mi amigoy eso sí da que pensar.

I really envy the way musicians can be able to subject their feeling to the public. I love how they could word something into such beautiful songs. To kind of make it to where you kind of have and idea as to what they are talking about. But not really…
How they can make something so simple, so beautiful.
They are letting people in on all of their life secrets, things that they might not want people to know. But they way that they can emphasize certain things to really make you understand how they were feeling at the exact moment that they wrote it.
I love alexisonfire.
Sometimes I get too hyped up that I can’t concentrate on writing.
I like that. But I also hate it.
But my most favorite thing about writing is that you can feel like you have nothing to talk about, and then you hit one subject and it just all comes to you at once. Like right now I just typed all of this in 10 minutes because my mind is stuck on one thing and I was to get it on print.
I was there was something that could record things in my mind.
Every detail. Because that would be amazing.
But maybe some things aren’t meant for humans to understand, maybe we should only understand the things that we can control.
I sometimes wonder what are purpose is here. Are we meant for something else? Is this really why we were put here? Just to live a life? Or is there a bigger picture that we are all missing.
I bet it’s the most obvious things too.
Something that has crossed all of our minds but we just never put it together.
I would like to know.
When you look at someone and they are not speaking.. and the just have a black stare on their face… I want to know what is going through their mind. What they thing about. How they really feel about the person they are having coffee or lunch with.
How do people bond with certain people but not others?
I love people who are well informed.
people who know what they are fighting for.
I’m not going to explain that last sentence that is for me to know.
There are certain things that you can believe but to an extent you can just fight for one cause.
There are so many causes.
I mean for example. To be for peace. But to carry a gun because you live in an unsafe neighborhood.
Is that taking back on everything that you believe?
Or that you can believe in more that one thing at once?
Even if they are opposite of eachother.
Like the quote bombing for peace is like fucking for virginity…
It makes sense.
But there are a lot of things that need to be changed in the world.
Maybe we all take it for granted...

i hate paul. i hate that i trusted him.

Ddddddddddddaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmmmmmmnnnnnnnnnnnnn…
I am at work. On my break and I feel like complete shit... for real.
I have my little laptop and I’m listening to Bun B.
I had to wait on the table with all of the Epworth bosses at it. And I was kind of nervous. Only because it was 5 people above me with the capability of firing me.
But afterwards my boss congratulated me and said that I got good comments from everyone. They said that I was the best server that they had even though I just started a week ago.
Ha, sweet.
-money on my mind. get money. fuck bitches-
*conversation goes*
He wanted someone else.
I need a day to think about this.
I don’t know if I want to be with you.
I CALL FUCKING BULLSHIT.
YOU WERE SEEING SOMEONE ELSE YOU BASTARD.
And I believed you when you said you would never leave me.
I trusted you and you cheated on me.

I don’t want to talk about this anymore.

I want I want I want I want I want I want…
To be happy.
I don’t want to be alone.
Tomorrow is Monday.
Big reminder of how much I suck.
I’ve noticed that all of my old posts are fun and goofy.
I’ve noticed that all of my new posts are sad and depressing.

Wow. My old best friend that I’ve known since kindergarten... just asked to be my friend on Facebook... We got in a fight sophomore year and have never talked since… that’s weird.

Anyways… I’m off tomorrow..
I drank a strawberry crush soda out of one of those glass bottles. I’m going to keep the bottle and put flowers in it.
I made Paul 2 really cute valentines cards.. and I never got to give them to him.. they were the coolest cards that I have ever made.
Mad World by Gary Jules
Three Seed by Silversun Pickups
I fall asleep every night with both of my arms around the teddy bear that Benjammen gave me… It’s just cute. Makes me happy.
Ha, William Stockwell is probably one of the craziest/coolest guys I have ever met. He is so insane and everywhere. Physically and mentally. I just love to listen to him talk.
I love listening to anyone talk. Except for people who are douche bags and have annoying personalities.
And damn I need to wear something on my hands at work because I forgot how hot the plates are and how they burn my fingertips. Plus old people are super slow so I have to hold a burning hot plate while they move over they’re silverware and coffee cups.
Like for real? Hurry the fuck up! Ha-ha.
I really feel like painting.
Or just watching a good movie early in the morning when its still kind of dark outside with my blanket and a cup of coffee.
I always get really bad headaches when I cry.
that just comes to mind..
Ugh. Aspirations.
And sometimes I wish that I could stop writing the way I think.
All this random bullshit
I want to open an art gallery.
I hope that Ashlee is okay.. I miss her, and I hope everything turns out okay for her…

fun-ness at work!

me dancing in the bathroom on break

balancing my ticket book on my head!

cherelle and tiffany

tiffany

cherelle smoking on break

epworth

Heart on the Sidewalk

the teddy bear benjammen gave me =]

Heart on the Sidewalk

Sooo...

Valentines Day...

Me and Paul ended up breaking up but my best friend Benjammen took me out to dinner. He even wore a tie and he bought me a cute teddy bear.

and by the way i'm in love with it.

It was very nice he is such a sweetheart.

I dont know what is up with me lately.. I haven't done much writing..

But i can't really think of anything right now so I will update later when i can think of some more..

la la la- pictures in an exhibition

So me and paul had a long conversation lastnight..
Me and him have been dating for a few months.. but basically we both decided that it would be good to end our relationship.
I mean we both really like eachother but in the long run it would kind of be a dead end..
I want to go to dallas or Houston for the art school that I applied at but he doesn’t want to go to texas.
I mean I love loud busy cities and he likes quiet country..
And even if he did go with me I mean his job requires him to go out of town a lot. He could be gone for a week or two weeks. And be out every other night.
I cant be in a a relationship with someone and not see them everyday. I just cant.
He wants to move to Washington. Or like live near mountains. I mean we just realized that it wasn’t going to work.. it sucks be we figured it would be better for both of us to separate now before we got too attached. It would just be easier and we wouldn’t be as hurt with the whole situation. I mean I don’t want to but in the long run..
And he dosent want me to change my school. He dosent want to to base my life on him. He said that school and my career is more important that him.
And I don’t want to stop him from doing anything that he wants to do.
So we are just stuck.
We can be friends… if that works. Its hard to be friends with someone you like..
Im at work on my break right now. Listening to the beatles and death cab for cutie. Ive been up since 6am and I get off work around 8pm. Its not too bad but I probably shouldn’t have been up until 2am. Hahaha. But im just lame like that.
And I have to walk out clear to the street to smoke. Grr! Its kind of far the parking lot is huge!
But whatever. Well I guess its almost time to clock back in and start dinner. My tables have been good today and I got a comment card. It was a good one. They thought that I was very nice. Ha. Oh yeah. Im excited.
But my friend benjammen is coming to work with me! Im excited because some of the people I work with are like super rude and just have overall bad attitudes. I mean who want to live like that? Always being mad? I couldn’t enjoy life! I mean be happy.
But anyways. Damn my foot is asleep because of the way I was sitting in my chair. I hate that feeling.
Numb. Painful. Awkward but tickles..
Its weird.

TORNADO!

So today at work was fun. Ha…
There was a tornado alert issued and the retirement home lost power.. So it got all hot and there was no power to cook any of the resident’s food…
So we made sandwiches..
Like 400 of them. Oh my…
I am now a licensed professional sandwich maker/saran wrapper.
Ha, it was kind of fun though.
But anyways so we got let off early today…
We had to walk the halls with pitchers of ice water and Styrofoam cups. There were tons of people.
The people I talk to the most there is the cook Matthew and a few other girls that showed me where I can smoke without getting in trouble.
Ha, I am eternally grateful to them.
Today I had a few tables of my own.
I mean I’ve worked as a waitress for 3 years and my trainer is a douche bag. He must think I’m retarded. He knows I have experience and he goes “do you think you know how to get the water spots off the silverware?”
Uhmm… yeah hot water and a towel asshole.
But today he continually told me how much he hates white people and that he likes Asians and Hispanics… but I’m almost 99.9% sure that he is white? He’s rude.
But anyways… I just kind of left him alone and did my own thing. I know what to do…
But Matthew is like super cool. We had a lot of fun. Ha.
I got to see Paul yesterday for a little bit..
I haven’t seen him in like 2 weeks before last night.
It’s pretty lame.
But ha said that we have a date on Valentines Day. I think we are going to double date with his sister and her boyfriend. They are way cool.
I’m excited I want to get something pretty to wear...
Damn. My house has no power because of all the tornadoes… One hit down the street from us and there are 8 houses gone across the street from us… damn. We are lucky..
My laptop has about 80 percent battery so we’ll see how long its lasts! Ha. I’m so bored I’m sitting in my living room and we have no power just a few candles... I was coloring earlier in the dark and then used my phone to check out the work I did. Not very good... ha-ha. Oh well. I tried. I have to go to work tomorrow. Fun.
And my phone is about to die... shit... OH! I have a car charger and that just saved my life so I can have an alarm to wake me up in the morning on my phone… heck yes.
I got in trouble at work for my earrings... lame!

your ex-lover is dead..

I started epworth today..
my trainer was a douche bag..
i dont need training i've done it all before..
i saw paul today..
theres a no smoking policy at my work..
i dont follow it..
but it still sucks..
ill update later..

i hate hospitals

I really hate hospitals. I mean I think what bothers me the most is all the people sobbing. I mean. When things like this happen it always kind of brings them together…
I’m still at the hospital… all of my extended family is here waiting.
.. we just got some news…
She didn’t make it. I mean of all the medicine and technology?! There is nothing they can fucking do? Nothing?
I just feel so bad. Being in a room with your whole family and to see all of them crying is a very hard thing to watch. I close my eyes but I still cant help but cry.

So I have been thinking lately. I mean how can someone so full of life and someone so happy possibly end up in the hospital? How can such bad things happen so such amazing people? Sometimes it makes me so mad. Loosing people that have so much to look forward to. I mean you really get to know someone and you have to sit there and try and be as comforting as possible. And watch as the most horrible thing happen to them. As I write this im sitting in the waiting room at Mercy Hospital. One of my aunts just got out of surgery. And it did nothing to help. She has a brain tumor and now she has even become unresponsive to light. He brain is swollen 60 percent more than normal. I just cant stand the thought of loosing someone close to me. I mean my best friends mom a while back was battling cancer. She was possibly the sweetest lady I have ever met. She took me in when I had no place to go. When my step dad had kicked me out of the house at only 16. she took care of me. She talked to me on the days when I was so sad that I couldn’t even get out of bed and face life. She was so happy. And even though she was in so much pain everyday she still managed to keep a smile and do everything possible to keep the ones she loved safe and happy. We used to go up to the hospital every night and I used to make signs for her to hang up in her room to make it look pretty. She was like my second mom. She even considered me her daughter. And we used to take walks around the hospital. She had a favorite window. It over looked the whole city. Soon after that she got better and she got to go home. Then a while after that I had moved to Houston. Then I got a call from my best friend Laura saying that her mom was back in the hospital. They didn’t think she was going to make it much longer. I was going to fly down there to see her but I couldn’t afford the 400 dollar airfare at the time. I did get to talk to her on the phone one night. She didn’t even know who I was.. I told her to keep fighting it and that I was going to come and see her soon. I told her I loved her and then next day she passed away. I was so upset that I didn’t get to see her before. But shortly after I moved back to Oklahoma and Laura took me to where she was buried. Its where she wanted to be buried. In the country. It was beautiful. So I sat in front of her grave and talked to her. People told me that was weird but I didn’t care. I had to say goodbye. I love her. And I miss her very much. But I don’t want to think about anyone else I love leaving like that. I dread the day.

i love you aunt connie

i love you grandma lora

i love you susan

i cant wait to see you again in heaven. <3