paul meets the family

so. lastnight paul met my parents and my family.. we went to dinner and then we went to the riverwind casino. he played jackblack. ha. it was fun. but then my dad started being an asshole and kind of ruined it. there's my dad for you.. ew.
anyways. i got the job that i applied for. i applied at a whole bunch of places but i really only wanted to work at epworth villa. i just love old people. ha. they rock.
anyways, i start off at 8 and then from there i go up..
im super excited.
but eh. i went to the movies with paul, adam and beard to see underworld. it was actually pretty cool. ha
eh i have a headache.
uh yeah i'm not about to walk. wierdos.
so valentimes day is coming up and i dont know what i should do for paul.. i'll have to think about it.. any ideas people?

blah blah blah

some things are too painful to feel, so you just stop... we have the ability to block feelings and thats what we do most of the time.. these feelings are now coming out of me. feelings that have been there all my life, and they continue to come out.
empire by kasabian
i am beating of the lances of my own thoughts, i am fighting an invasion that is coming from my own head.
stars and boulevards by augustana
id rather die than have to see your smile
for all the people who are lost, and for all the people who want to stay lost...
in every circle of friends
theres a whole
the girl that flirts and does a little more
but whos to say
this is a social scene anyways
**if you lie you dont deserve to have friends**
wish you were here by pink floyd
p.s. i love you

corey duffel

i am so in love with this boy. corey duffel

mi mundo mi musica

damn, its already 11:05 am.
i woke up around 6 am..
did my morning routine.. coffee, toast and a cigarette..
its been snowing and stuff and the snow and ice on the ground makes my eyes hurt when i look outside because its so bright...
anyways..
i watched el cantante this morning. which by the way is a fantastic movie. i love it.
i love hector lavoe. his music is amazing. que lio and aquanile are my two favorites.. i used to listen to them on my ipod. just close my eyes. his music is perfect to dance to. salsa music. i just love it all.
i really want to write alot but im just not in a very.. i dont know.. good mood.
i dont know why though.
oh well..

cOuSiN

no ceiling by boss hogg outlawz

dEaR cOuSiN.. wHeRe'S cOuSiN?

kNoW wHaT i mEaN jElLy bEaN?

sUrE dO tEnNiS sHoE!

cHuNk tHaT tWo..

uH tHaT nIgGa aDaM..

uH nO hOmO..

mayne for real.. leaves? ftw?!

"mAyNe fOr rEaL i lOvE tHa iNfAmOuS dIrTy sOuTh"

• free stress test by professor murder
• copykat by karen kijewski (book)
• incense ww
• peppermints
• ugh. need to paint
• job applications
• arts institution of houston OR dallas
• blowin' dro
• god damn, i love houston. proud ass mexican.
• need a cigarette
• call of duty 4
• gotta make more coffee quick!
• why am i making this?
• i love lists
  

oh you know you know..

so...

i can never sleep! like ever. and it's starting to really piss me off. i mean i don't think it's normal to go 4 days without sleep.

why are girls so good at like drawing hearts everywhere? like randomly? i mean.. exhibit a: disturbia. exhibit b: any teenage girl in highschool..

i mean hey, im a girl. i love to draw hearts. i just get uber bored.. i draw tons of stuff. like everything. i should stop saying like. it's retarded.

i love scary movies.

i want something to do right now. i mean its 6:09am.. i've been up for hours. i want to draw, paint, read, color, run around in circles..

something..

i think when i get bored of a sentence i think i just do one of those ellipsis

things and hit enter..

i obviously write the way i think or talk..

my mind trails off from time to time...

the ramones.

i need to buy some more books.

and i love kissing. with tongue.

i mean and when i say that i dont mean just kissing anyone.. but the right person. hey! like paul.

i like him. i like it when he kisses me. on the forehead.

when he holds my hand. i love how everytime he walks pass me he touches me. on the shoulder, hip, back..

he always just lets me know that he is there.

i need to up my cd collection.

or make more coffee.

i just want to scream. there is ice everywhere and it's freezing.. which makes going outside to smoke incredibly uncomfortable and weird. i'm not too much for freezing and cold.

oh my goodness. is this text too tiny? why is my dog crazy and freaking out?

[i got bored at drew this. like how i was talking about girls who draw hearts] taper jean girl by kings of leon

nightmares! eek!

ha, why the fuck not.. this is funny.
so..

eek..

so i couldn't stay asleep. i kept having these horrible nightmares. i decided that i was going to try and keep falling asleep until the morning.. well around 5 am i couldn't sleep anymore.. so i made some coffee and toast then had my morning cigarette. it was good. =]
so i found out that i'm not going to see Paul until friday because he has jury duty and work. ha! but on the upside when i do get to see him we are going on a double date with his sister and her fiance. i absolutely love his sister. she is the cutest thing ever. me and her get along so good. i'm super excited. i got to meet some of his family on new years and oh my goodness. they are amazing! i had so much fun, they really accepted me. they even said i was like 10 times prettier than his last girlfriend and alot nicer.. ha. ohh yeahh! well i think this is going to be it.. it's getting light outside and i need a cigarette..

maybe i should quit..

nah.

Paulie Bear

God.. I love the titanic. It is so romantic. It doesn’t hurt that Leonardo Dicaprio is completely gorgeous. Ah.
I’ve decided that I want to meet someone that changes my life. Like jack and rose. =] hahahahahahahaha.
But wait.. I think I already have.. And his name is Paul.
You know.. Ever since Kevin I have decided that I was never going to let anyone get close to me like that.. But one night I was basically forced by Kaila to go to her friends house one night.. I was expecting a room full of weird ass kids who drink cheap beer with bad music taste and guys who in detail explain on how they got into this fight and totally kicked this guy’s ass. Of course they add their own sound effects. But instead I met Paul.. We played quarters and flirted the whole night..
I never thought it would come out to this.. I never expected to see him again. But since that night… we have talked everyday since. Its crazy.. At first I never thought that he would like me as much as he says he does now.. And I didn’t expect to like him as much as I do. Don’t get me wrong.. I do like him. Alot. I just never expected it. I keep saying expect.. Hmm…
But anyways, I don’t know.. we talk. Like really talk. We can have deep conversations with each other. He helps me to make sense of everything in my head. Sometimes he surprises me.. he can immediately tell when I’m sad, upset, mad, hungry or bored.. he can always tell when I’m lying. Every time.. he always knows it. Sometimes it weird’s me out. I do sometimes have trouble talking to him about myself.. I’ve gone through so many things that I hope no one has to go through. So sometimes I feel like I take things out on him that other people did to me. I make myself distant as to not get close to him. I want to. He says he’s different than any other guy I will ever meet.. and I mean I trust him. I do. I want to. But trust him with my heart? Let down that wall and let him through? Now that I cant seem to do. I desperately want to though. I feel comfortable with him, I can be myself. All weird and goofy. He thinks I’m cute and adorable. He tells me that I’m pretty, smart, talented, sexy.. Everything that a girl wants to hear. He even thinks my underwear are cute. Ha. He is the sweetest guy ever. I’ve spent all my time dating immature guys hoping they would grow up and love me the way I loved them. I can see myself with Paul for a long time.. Although I would never tell him that. I feel as if I were to do that.. he would.. I don’t know, stop trying. I want that perfect love story. Although It probably doesn’t exist.. but I want him to do all the right things.. flowers, dates, dancing, movies, parks. But one thing that I absolutely love about Paul is he notices all of the little things. He knows my favorite color. What cigarettes I prefer. That I’m too shy to tell him if I’m hungry or thirsty. Or when I start to get antsy because he plays game after game of call of duty.. he knows when I’m thinking of something by just the way I look, he know that if I start looking through my purse that I am nervous. He loves to cuddle and be close to me, he likes to hear my voice. He reads, he’s very intelligent, smart. And he has big beautiful eyes. He’s goofy and loves to hold my hand. I really like this guy. He’s not too much older than me, he’s only 20. he’ll turn 21 5 days after I turn 19.. I really hope that this lasts. Were not even officially going out yet, we are just dating. It’s my fault. I want to but I’m scared of getting my heart broken again. I blame every other guy that I have dated that treated me like shit for the reason why I can’t seem to accept feelings for a guy that actually cares for me. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me. I mean we get along so good. He has good taste in music, we read together, I talk shit to him and he talks it back. I never mean the stupid things I say to him, we just goof off. But even though I’m a big baby and actually get kind of sad when he makes fun of me. Ha. I know that he is just kidding. I call him Paulie Bear and he calls me Squishy. [squishy off of Finding Nemo] ha. I even made him a bracelet that says that and he wears it. And that makes me happier than he could ever imagine. And I make him goofy things and he keeps them. Ah I could go on forever about him.. but I should probably end it here. A cigarette sounds good right now.
As soon as I can find a gosh darn lighter…

boys are mean

You know... I don't mean to hurt you more... But I've had my heart broken alot. And I don't know what's wrong with me that I'm not good enough to be loved. This isn't about you. But I can't take the disappointment anymore... I think that I'll play it safe. I won't date anymore. I'll stop loving people. I won't let anyone get close to me anymore. But always think twice before walking away from someone. Say what you mean and what you're thinking. You may never get a second chance...

It's not about you. But thanks for giving me that little push to throw everything in perspective for me. Because sometimes you think you know someone and they tell you that they love you.. And then the leave you and find someone else.

Don't let anyone do that to you...